Trash Piling Up
Dear Hillary: I’ve had it up to here with my husband. I ask him time and again to take out the trash, and he says he will but when I check it’s overflowing and he’s left for work again. Finally, I pause my show and take it out myself. —FRUSTRATED IN FREDRICKSBURG
Dear Frustrated: We all know how men are. While you’re taking care of business he’s out on the town behaving like an alley cat. What this cat needs is a little lesson! Find out the identity of one of his girlfriends, sneak into her house or apartment, and strangle her mercilessly with one of his neckties. Make sure you wear rubber gloves, and keep the tie, as it will have her DNA on it. When your husband begins acting nervous because one of his bimbos just turned up dead, show him the incriminating tie (which you have preserved in a zip-lock bag) and tell him he can either start doing as he’s told or do life in a maximum security lockup.
Mean Girls at School
Dear Hillary: The girls at my 10-year-old daughter’s school are so mean! One put gum in her hair at the bus stop, and they have begun using cruel nicknames for her, just because she has braces and wears glasses. —SAD IN SAGINAW
Dear Sad: Girls are naturally spirited, and your daughter needs to learn how to compete! She must identify the ringleader of this clique, go to the girl’s house, and give the family pet some steak if it’s a dog, or tuna fish if it’s a cat, laced with cyanide. When she sees the girl again, your daughter must let on in a non-incriminating manner that she executed the pet, and let on to the girl that she’s next if there’s any more acting up. Chances are, the mean behavior will stop, and your daughter will be one of the girls in no time!
Wife Not The Same
Dear Hillary: I love my wife, but she’s recently put on a lot of weight, and stopped grooming herself. Frankly, she looks awful and smells worse. She’s also very abusive toward me and most other people around her, although we all do everything we can to please her. —DEJECTED IN DC
Dear BILL: I recognize your writing, you son of a bitch. You think this is funny? Maybe your wife would have a sweeter disposition if you weren’t a complete and total goddamn fucking embarrassment. I suddenly have the feeling you’re very despondent. Yes, all the signs are there. Seems like you want to end it all. Too bad. Give my regards to Vince Foster.
Thanks for this. More please.
Dear Hillary,
My wife says that she’ll always be grateful to Donald Trump because he is responsible for two words that will never be part of your obituary, ‘former President”.
My question is; Should I buy my wife expensive jewelry or take her on a Hawaiian vacation?
Deplorable in Chautauqua