Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the world!
Let Them Eat Bullets
Shitlibs are shitting themselves about South Dakota governor Kristi Noem’s admission, in her autobiography No Turning Back, that she once shot a pet dog in cold blood.
The horror the incident inspires on the left is understandable, considering that the dog turned out to be antifa. It refused to work, and when it could get up the energy, it engaged in random acts of violence. Recognizing the problem, Noem just did what Trump should have done with the beast’s human counterparts when he was in office.
In a related story, another fascist femme fatale, Republican rep Nancy Mace, has seen much of her staff quit because she drove them like sled dogs in The Call of the Wild.
Folks, maybe we can get a Noem/Mace ticket for 2024. Official slogan: “Work will set you free—and if not, we can reenact the end of Old Yeller together.”
Mutual Hatred is Our Strength
In Louisiana, well-to-do white citizens have gotten legal clearance to break off from Baton Rouge and form a new city called St. George. For some reason, this brave effort to save other area residents from toxic whiteness is being seen as racist.
Critics of the action are suggesting that the remaining Baton Rougeians make fools of the white-flighters by maintaining intact families and not engaging in rampant violent crime.
In other news, an emergency escape slide fell off a Boeing plane into the ocean this week. We don’t know that it was a diversity hire who failed to attach the crucial piece of equipment, but when reached for comment a Boeing representative said, “Deja de molestarme, es hora de tomar una cerveza y una siesta.”
And it would be remiss not to cover the anti-Israel protests popping up everywhere like a global herpes outbreak. Luckily, US cops are going harder on the protesters than Kristi Noem goes on Fido when he craps on the carpet. When asked why they didn’t go just as hard on the protesters burning down US cities in 2020, the cops said, “That was different. America is not our greatest ally.”
The Fox and the Poon-Hound
Laptop lothario Hunter Biden is reportedly suing Fox News for airing “revenge porn.” That term refers to maliciously publishing pics or vids of an ex doing adult things. Apparently Hunter and Fox News once had a torrid affair. Or maybe Hunter, high as a kite as usual, is thinking of a foxy new hooker he once went on a two-week bender with.
Fox. Hunter. The headlines are the jokes, folks. What could better represent Clown World than a crackhead porn-star suing a fake news company for reporting that the crackhead porn-star is a crackhead porn-star—while, the next headline over, Trump faces prison for supposedly paying another porn star to, for a change, not use her mouth.
That’s politics in 2024. Don’t think too long about it. You’ll want Kristi Noem to treat you like you have four legs and failed to bring the stick back.
It’s a Zionist, Baby!
Our greatest ally’s greatest ally has turned out to be none other than everyone’s favorite Olympian stud with the Marilyn Monroe rack, Bruce Gender.
The Frankenstein of femininity took on pro-Palestine marchers on her-him’s way to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where other classic horror-movie characters, zombie journalists, go to pay homage to the mummy-in-chief.
Before going inside to do the Monster Mash, Busty Bruce directly confronted the marchers, warning them that he was PMSing bad and can still bench 300.
When reached for comment, Kristi Noem said, “Such erratic behavior makes me wonder if that bitch has had her shots.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on the reboot of the classic movie Turner and Hooch, starring Pete Buttgauge and Michelle Obama.
In the DC Comics Universe, Batman has changed his/her sex to become Batgirl, and goes by the moniker Bat-tranny. His/her secret identity is the Bruce you referred to in your article (correct surname Transjenner, by the way). Rachel Levine is Aunt Harriet.
Bruce Gender 🤣🤣👏👏