Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around baby-oil slathered barking Chinese panda exhibit!
Diddy Dun Diddem Dirdy
It came to light this week that rapper “Diddy” engaged in an Epstein-style plot, obtaining blackmail material on other entertainers at “freak off” sex parties, a major feature of which was 1,000-plus bottles of baby oil recovered by law enforcement from the rapper’s estate, known as Slippery Manor.
When the news broke, rapper Ice Cube immediately assured fans at a concert that he did not participate in Diddy’s diabolical dealings, stating, “Yo, I was coolin’ out in the tray in the freezer the whole time. The 12-pack of microwave burritos can corroborate.”
Like Ice Cube, rapper Ice-T also insists on his innocence, as do rappers Ice Mocha, Ice Skater, and Block Ice. But there is no word on the guilt or innocence of the rap sensation who recently died in a high-speed collision, Crushed Ice.
As news of Diddy’s debauchery breaks, rapper Jay-Z is also coming under scrutiny, and has reportedly halted plans to manufacture a recliner impervious to baby oil stains, the Jay-Z Boy.
All Bark and No Bear
The panda exhibit at a Chinese zoo was discovered this week to be occupied not by pandas, but by dogs painted to look like pandas. When questioned about the fraud, embarrassed zookeepers snapped: “Why you care?! Both equarry dericious!”
The public became suspicious when beloved pandas Snoopy and Lassie began barking at the nearby Big Cat exhibit, after workers demonstrated how adept the cuddly bears were at catching frisbees.
Said zoo-goer Hoo Yoo Kih Ding, “Me thinkey wife be gross when she say lookey out for barking panda, then I realize she no makey joke.”
The panda controversy was forgotten, however, when the smell of baby oil led to the discovery that the gorilla cage was actually occupied by [REDACTED HORRIBLE RACIST JOKE].
Anti-Defa-Haitian League
After Trump and his hillbilly sidekick made much ado about Haitians in Ohio “eating the dogs, eating the cats, eating the pets of the people that live there,” Haitians have responded by filing criminal charges against the politicians.
Said attorneys Alan Dogshowitz and Ben Catlock of the firm Ketchum, Skinem, and Eatem, “Like, dig it, man. These cats just ain’t cool. They’s barking up the wrong tree. So we gonna have their asses on a platter—um, you know, metaphorically.”
When asked to weigh in on the case, famous cat Garfield, who recently moved to Ohio, could not be reached.
Diddy, however, did offer a statement, saying, “I love my Haitian fans, but they always look at me funny and lick their chops until I emphasize that my name starts with a ‘D’ and not a ‘K.’”
Simple Kam
A vicious internet rumor circulating this week alleges that, while attending Howard University, Kamala Harris took an IQ test and received the borderline special-needs rating of 78.
When asked about the low score, Harris said, “True, such an IQ may make me unfit for vocations such as janitor or dishwasher, but it makes me vastly overqualified for the vocation of Democrat politician.”
Harris asserts that her supposedly low IQ has never kept her from efficiently and professionally executing any job she has set out to do, whether blow, hand, or the “Willy Brown special.”
In hearing about the scandal, the rap community has embraced Harris, but there is dispute about her new rap name. The Ice Cube crew has proposed “Brain Freeze,” while the Diddy crowd has proposed “Tardi K.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on the new hit song by Chinese rapper Rice-T, “Hu Let The Bears Out.”
Comments are open. Some intern set the comments to paid subscribers only. He has been punished.
I’ll never look at “Crushed Ice” the same way again 😄