Alien Invasion Feared as Mysterious Drones Swarm Over New Jersey
White-hot takes on current events from regular people like you!
“Um, excuse me, ‘aliens’ is dehumanizing. The preferred term is ‘undocumented extraterrestrial Americans.’ They’re obviously coming here seeking a better life, and it’s our duty to welcome them. After all, they can’t be worse than Mexicans. I mean, wait…that was a joke. Please don’t print that.”
– Francis Cone, Friend-Zoned by Blow-Up Doll
“I hope the aliens are here to do the jobs Americans won’t do. I haven’t been probed in ages.”
– Juanita Guntman, Child Abuse Coach
“These drones seem to be expressing extreme anxiety. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn they all had helicopter moms. We could fly up and offer them a screwdriver, but they need to know it’s not healthy to stay high all the time.”
– Colin Moriarty, Authority on Subtle Humor
“We shouldn’t panic until we find out their planet of origin. If they’re from Saturn they’re probably friendly. But terrible things can come from Uranus.”
– Joan Cartwright, Body Shaming Instructor
“Youse guys gotta calm down. I got cousins flyin’ in from Rigel 4, okay? They’re dyin’ to check out the shore, get some authentic disco fries. Then later we might collect a few hundred fertile slaves, cruise ‘em back to our solar system to breed an army of hybrids…maybe blast DC with a protoplasmic kryptonian heat-ray on our way outta town, eliminate all life, and leave my cousin Vimnok as sovereign ruler of Earth. You know, regular shit.”
– Zorp Gliblork, Insurance Adjuster
Joan fucking rocks.
When Orson Welles passed on, the aliens performed an autopsy. Guess what they found inside him: Jimmy Hoffa!