NASA Claims Giant Chinese Dam Slows Earth's Rotation, Adding .006 Microseconds to Each Day
White-hot takes on current events from regular people like you!
“That explains it! I knew it felt like I was .006 microseconds less late for work today.”
– Tiphany Ming, Freelance Wife Beater
“Damn, man, I could have saved these Chinese dudes trillions. I just got in a stock of Mr. Nice Guy that makes every microsecond into, like, four centuries.”
– Bud Haliburton, Psycho Therapist
“It’s amazing that this thing got built. I read that the main designer, Wun Hai Wal, butted heads with safety experts Dis Ting Buss and Mil Yun Di. It was officially approved by Noh Si Leek, however, and all went well until a lawsuit was brought by Mi Su Yoo on behalf of Dae Tu Long.”
– Colin Moriarty, Quintuple Amputee
“You’re dam right I’m a protectionist. I don’t care how cheap you can get it done, nobody wants to look at all this hideous concrete and steel. A proper water containment structure is made of the finest hand-selected and tooth-hewn materials and satisfies a sense of form as well as function.”
– Rusty McMasters, Local 376 Rep
“The Chinese can build whatever they want. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck.”
– Gabe Clarkbull, Pilates Instructor
These idiots have too much of our money to waste! It would take 45,663 years to even reach 1/10th of 1 second of a delay!
And yes, I had too much time and calculated how many years it would take to convert a delay of 0.000000006 seconds per day into 1/10th of 1 second, but I’m not on a government payroll!
This isn’t supposed to happen. Nuke the dam.