Top 5 Self-Help Books That Might as Well Be Real

#5: Bitch Dad, Whore Dad

Petey B and his husband’s fabulous guide to gay parenting.

---

#4: The 7 Habits of Highly Defective People

Tim Walz’s guide to succeeding at failure.

---

#3: Cornpop is From Mars, That Smell is From Uranus

Joe Biden explains the nonsensical as he only he can’t.

---

#2: Total Dysfunction for Shitlibs

Anita Beating PhD, the shitlib’s shitlib, gives step-by-step instructions for being both an ugly, miserable headcase, and obnoxiously smug.

---

#1: How to Wing Reds and Liquidate People

America’s No. 1 commie expert explains the key methods for curing communism.

---