Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the global fake news dispensary!
High as an Earthworm
An editorial published this week outlines how Colorado, the first state to fully legalize weed, has rapidly degenerated by every metric, from suicide rates to crime rates to traffic fatalities, since it decided to make itself retarded.
Potheads are pushing back against the discouraging data, saying in a statement they’re probably gonna release if you stop riding their ass for two minutes, “Whatever, man, you don’t even, like, get it.”
Non-retarded citizens are upset that the state motto, “Nothing Without Providence,” has already been officially replaced with “Fucking New Killer Motto Coming Soon.”
Potheads who are accused of forgetting to provide a replacement motto say that their failure is just your opinion, man, and why don’t you go mass-shoot a school or something you fucking uptight nazi motherfucker.
More Like Jack ASS, Amirite?
Sporting a Karl Marx beard and a my-water’s-gonna-break-any-minute gut, and dressed in an outfit designed for a special-needs 4th of July party, alleged star Jack Black gave a viral speech Saturday night, at an event which raised $30 million for fictional political character Joe Biden.
Such luminaries as George Clooney and Julia Roberts were present, along with a who’s who of top lizard people. When asked what it was like to be part of the gala affair, Clooney and Roberts said, “We’re professionals. Smiling into cameras as if we still have souls is old hat to us.”
Mr. Black was disappointed to learn that his participation in the event changed his reputation-status from “just looks like a pedophile” to “oh, definitely a pedophile.”
When asked about Mr. Black’s appearance at the Biden event, the people of Colorado said, “Whoa…that guy from the dispensary who smells like he hasn’t showered since he was born is on TV.”
Bulgar Display of Power
Princess Kalina of Bulgaria, once a pretty young girl—or at any rate, definitely a girl—shocked the world when she was seen in the Bulgarian capital of Sofia this week, after having made the decision to transform into an orc from Lord of the Rings.
When asked about her distorted, comic-book-villain face, and arms that are the envy of the combat sports world, Kalina spoke in her Boris Badenov accent: “I am world leader, but nobody care. I must find way to stand out. Canada have Castro bastard. America have funny old-man clone. Argentina have bed-head person. Now Bulgaria have orc.”
When asked about the Bulgarian princess’s new appearance, Colorado governor Jared Polis said, “Dude! That’s exactly how my mom looks when she tells me to clean my room!” followed by several minutes of high-pitched giggling.
Hell of a Draft in this Place…
The house just passed a bill that would automatically register young men between 18 and 26 for the selective service. In related news, the proportion of Gen Z boys who identify as chicks just went from 95% to 100%.
There is a provision in the bill, however, stating that even self-identified females are automatically registered if they look like Bulgarian royalty.
When it was realized that inclusivity had been compromised, a new bill was drafted which would also force-register young women. When asked why such measures are necessary to maintain an American fighting force, the nation’s top military officer adjusted his falsies, patted his beehive hairdo, and said, “It’s a complete mystery.”
The young people of Colorado are expected to be especially effective in combat situations since they arrive cloaked in a dense and disorienting fog.
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on the upcoming movie starring Jack Black and Joe Biden, School of Rot.
I never thought that I and my family would be living inside of Mad magazine.
Oh my gosh Phil-this has me in stitches! Insanely hilarious. 😂