Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the animal kingdom!
Unbearable Stupidity
A viral video this week had women remarking on whether they would rather “be stuck in the woods” with a man or a bear. Most women chose the bear option because of the patriarchy or all men being rapists or something.
There you have it, guys. Women are looking for either Conan the Barbarian or Brando. They get excited when you either maul them to death or growl a little and then completely ignore them.
When men were asked if they would rather be stuck in the woods with a bear or Michelle Obama, they chose the bear…then realized they had pointed at the picture of Big Mike.
When bears were asked if they would rather be stuck in the woods with a man or a woman, they chose the woman, stating, “I’m hungry, and the bimbo didn’t bring a man along to protect her.”
Tragedies in Animal Houses
In Jackson, Miss., a bunch of frat boys gathered to counter pro-Palestine demonstrators on their campus. When asked why they decided to take the action, the frat boys said, “The same reason we Americans took a stand when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!”
It turned ugly, though, when one brain-addled beer-bonger danced from foot to foot and made monkey noises at a heavy-set African-American woman who wasn’t havin’ her no genocides.
The boy is reportedly being severely punished for his racism by his fraternity brothers, who have vowed to only allow him two dozen brewskies and one measly date-rape at the next rager.
In other lower-primate news, zookeepers see no connection between beloved gorilla Little Joe dying of a heart attack at only 30, and the fact that the ape was vaxxed and boosted. Said Dr. Fauci, “New studies are showing that sitting in the dirt and eating bananas is a leading cause of heart attacks. Poor Little Joe never stood a chance.”
When asked if they would rather be stuck in the woods with a frat boy, a pro-Palestine protester, a bear, or Little Joe, women froze up like Mitch McConnel, their cute little minds unable to process that much data.
Nineteen Eighty Foreskin
Much talk this week about the anti-antisemitism bill, which outlaws, among other things, the claim that Jews run the media. Jews run the media? That can’t be true, I would have seen a TV show or movie about it!
But seriously, it’s good that Jews are finally standing up to those who say they control everything…by making the federal government cancel the First Amendment.
Being that Jews have bragged about running the media, killing Christ, and other antisemitic tropes forbidden in the bill, the law seems to make no sense and might open the door for selective political persecution. When asked about this problem, George Orwell said, “Lol.”
When asked if they would rather be stuck in the woods with a Jew or a bear, women chose the former, stating, “Movies and TV shows are, like, super awesome and stuff, and everyone knows Jews run the media!” Then the women were dragged off to reeducation camps.
The Orange Man and the Tramp
In a new experience for haggard human sperm-bank Stormy Daniels, everyone is paying attention to what comes out of her mouth.
Ms. Daniels is supposed to take the stand in kangaroo court this week, but under oath or not, with proof or not, shitlibs are already parroting every tawdry tale she tells as if they heard it from Joseph Stalin himself.
When it was suggested that Ms. Daniels could be nothing but a pawn paid to make disgusting allegations, the grandmotherly whore said, “That’s ridiculous! I would never degrade myself by lying for money. I only accept payment to get quintuple penetrated on film by strange men, farm animals, and pieces of industrial equipment.”
When asked if she would rather be stuck in the woods with a bear or a man, Ms. Daniels said, “Whatever the script calls for,” and began undressing.
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on Stormy Daniels’ new bestseller Genital Herpes for Dummies.
The Bear Alliance has filed a demand with PETA that Hillary and Michelle be banned from the forest, thei mere presence would constitute unconscionable cruelty to all animal inhabitants. Bears, just like men, prefer younger women because their stories are shorter.
You were hitting on all cylinders with this one. I always appreciate this comment section. You are even showing signs of prophecy!
My local John Deere rep was bragging that the company’s spring catalogue for industrial tractor attachments was seen on the news outside a NYC courthouse. You know how tractor reps are prone to hyperbole, but you cleared it up for me. I expect the Stormy Auger in the Big Green fall line.