Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and...we forget.
Senile Swifties
A swiftie is an individual whose brain function is so not-swift that Taylor Swift strikes the individual as an exceptional talent. When not worshiping Ms. Swift, swifties have been known to occasionally get their shirt buttons in proper alignment, and to remove silverware from bowls when using microwave ovens.
Tragically, after spending a grand in Starbucks tips on their concert tickets, many swifties have reported total or partial amnesia when seeing their idol live. Experts say not to be alarmed, as this is a well-known condition called “mediocrity overload.”
“The human mind can only handle so many cookie-cutter tunes, squealed out by a mid-range soccer mom doing childish dances, before the experience is blocked out just to maintain sanity,” said renowned psychiatrist Gabby Lipschitz.
When asked about the phenomenon, Ms. Swift’s boyfriend, famous sportsball himbo Travis Kelce, said,"Huh? This has to do with that lady I’ve been seeing? Who is she again?”
Clash of the Caricatures
The biggest news this week is, of course, the debate between Donald Trump, 78, and Joe Biden, dead, which will take place in Atlanta tomorrow.
The wig-wearing steak-slinger and the malfunctioning clone are expected to hash out such pressing matters as: should America be bled dry for the benefit of migrants, foreign nations, or both; and: should America officially rebrand as “Ameriqueer” or “Diversica.”
The debate occurs as rumors abound that the Donald will select Pajeet Vivekswamey as his slurpeemate. When asked about the possibility, Mr. Vivekswamey said, “I am very much pleasing to work for Mr. president Trump sir. Thank you, come again.”
Joe Biden is expected to enjoy a popularity boost in the upcoming election, as he has been made an honorary swiftie due to regularly experiencing total amnesia regarding what year it is and whether he is in a restroom stall or at a meeting with world leaders.
Hold Your Harpoons, Men! That’s a Lady!
Disclaimer: We don’t just want to make fun of plus-sized citizens. This is legitimate, even earth shaking, news.
New York held its “Fat Beach Day” this week to allow the state’s largest mammals to shed their tents and strut their stuffing. Event organizer Jordan “Jaws” Underwood said the event is rapidly gaining—no puns here, this is serious news—in popularity. “This year’s turnout,” Ms. Underwood said, “was at least an 8.3 on the Richter scale.”
Freed from fat-phobic goggling, participants not only sunbathed, but frolicked in the waves, where they are said to have made contact with various long-lost cousins. Ms. Underwood vehemently denies any connection between the frolicking and tsunamis that rolled ashore in North Africa hours later.
Swifties who wandered onto the beach that day state that, despite their sincerest efforts, they can’t stop remembering what they beheld.
Kentucky Fried Covid
The Center for Disease Contrivance is warning that the dreaded bird flu—just like Covid but with a secret blend of 11 herbs and spices—is poised to swoop down on the world. Early signs of infection are head-bobbing while locomoting, advancing to violent arm-flapping and squawking in the final stages.
On his nationally syndicated count-down to extinction, DJ Tiny Tony Fauci, your quack with the stack of sick hits, said, “You LOVED the Covid craze, kids, but now…[sound of needle scratching in record groove] B-b-b-bird, bird, bird; bird’s the word…”
Finland has already begun vaccinating against the aviary ailment, and Tiny Tony cheered the action, stating, “That’s right, boys and girls! The people taking the vax are finished—uh, I mean Finnish,” followed by his trademark maniacal laughter.
Travis Kelce, famous for promoting the Covid vax, said he will be first in line for the latest Pfizer pfix. “I experienced no health problems before,” the jacked jackass said, “and now my whole life is Taylor Swift, 24/7. Maybe this time a good-sized clot forms and heads straight for a coronary artery, and it’s all over in two minutes.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on Pajeet Vivekswamey’s cover album honoring the Rolling Stones, Excrement on Main Street.
Too funny. How have so many morbidly obese young women been convinced that men find back fat, constant sweating and difficulty in breathing when sitting down attractive? We don’t.
It would be so much better if this newsletter was just funny fanciful stuff; instead it’s all true commentary on the momentous collapse of the “civilized” world.