Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the offshored gay tractor factory!
Oh, You Poor Deere
It came to light this week that all-American farm equipment company John Deere has caught a festering, oozing, terminal case of corporate AIDS.
The John Deer website brags about its pronoun enthusiasm and replacement of white engineers with black, Hispanic and lady engineers…you know, because everybody wants the best farm equipment….the kind made in the third world…by lesbians and pedophiles.
In light of the new engineering department, the famous slogan, “Nothing Runs Like a Deere,” has been shortened to only its first two words.
Dylan Mulvaney has been hired as the new company spokesperson but has already injured himself in an incident involving the company’s 200-horsepower leaf blower. Luckily, thanks to the new engineering dept., the machine stopped working before it inflated the tiny twink to the size of a Macy’s Day Parade character.
Side Afflecks May Include…
On Tuesday Violet Affleck, the hollow gourd produced by the loins of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, put on her coke-bottle glasses and three masks, and stumbled out of her cave, blinking at the sunlight, to make her way to an LA Board of Supervisors meeting and warn the world about…Covid fucking 19.
Speaking at an Adderall pace, and wearing a dress borrowed from a Susan B. Anthony wax museum exhibit, the mousy star-child listed off the Covid plague’s dire effects, aka common cold symptoms.
Ben was reportedly warded off with hissing and malicious squirts of antiseptic gel when he tried to tell his daughter that the year is now 2024 and lockdowns are over. He maintains that he’s nonetheless been a good parent because, “She’s still a chick, right?”
When asked if she would buy a John Deere tractor, Violet said, “Never! You have to go outside to use tractors! That’s where the diseases are! You’re within six feet of me! Get back before it’s too late!”
It Was Just a Little Iceberg, Dad
As the lights go dark on the Bidentanic, Hunter has reportedly seized the helm, and has been doing all he can to get Joe’s remaining brain cells into the lifeboats.
Hunter is coaching his father for public appearances, and has been heard shouting, “Come on, big guy! This isn’t just a pipe dream. You’re gonna smoke the competition as long as you don’t crack under the pressure!”
Joe is said to respond well to Hunter’s encouragement, occasionally regaining a pulse for minutes at a time.
When asked if he would ever use a John Deere tractor, Hunter said, “I’m gonna have to. Dad’s starting to smell and I’m not digging that grave by hand.”
Yankee Doodle Danny
Elderly Hollyweird vato Danny Trejo, better known as “that one ugly-ass Mexican guy,” was riding in his lowrider ride in a Fourth of July parade in the town of Dusty Slum, California, when a lawless onlooker nailed him with a water balloon.
The ancient Aztec immediately got out of his car and rushed over to serve up a burrito grande of justice, but wound up enchilada pain, as the next menudo he found himself knocked into tamale and taking a siesta on the sidewalk.
Trejo was unapologetic about his violent reaction, explaining, “Tacos cheap, ese. You can’t let people guac all over you.”
John Deere CEO A. Nal Bacteria was so moved by Trejo’s struggle that he announced the new lowrider riding lawnmower. “It may be completely useless for any practical purpose,” said the exec, “but its a wonderful tribute to diversity.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on John Deere’s new Biden 2000 earth moving tractor, which digs a hole, falls in, and keeps digging.
Danny Trejo is gonna have to evaluate his hardcore entourage. His gangster looking homie coming to gang bang the onlooker got decked to the ground with one punch, leaving Danny to defend for himself.
Just because Geriatric and Gangster both start with G doesn't mean your old ass is intimidating.