Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the estrogen-infused seven seas!
I’ll Get You, My Patriots! And Your Little Amendment Too!
An incoming assault on the First Amendment was signaled this week when decomposing she-demon Hillary Clinton appeared on Rachel Maddow’s hit cable show, Annoying Dyke Tonight.
After a friendly discussion about whether an air fryer or a microwave is best for reheating children’s livers at snack time, Clinton told Mr. Maddow that people who post pro-Trump “propaganda” online should be “criminally charged.”
Said the former first lady: “Eye of newt and toe of bat, wool of dog and tongue of cat—I’ll jail them ALL for posting that!”
Maddow backed Hillary’s sentiment, stating, “Yes, yes, you’re right, your vileness. I actually feel physical pain when I suddenly come across far-right disinformation on the web. It’s like being kicked in the balls.”
The Fast and the Penurious
A Georgia highway patrolman, who went to the Barney Fife School of Law Enforcement, issued a speeding ticket for $1.4 million this week, to a driver he clocked doing 90 in a 55 zone.
Body cam footage shows the defiant driver accepting the ticket and then screaming: “Go ahead and write me up for 125; post my face, wanted dead or alive; take my license and all that jive! I…can’t…drive…oh wait, holy shit, let’s talk about this.”
When interviewed about the incident, the officer said, “I might have just let this man go if he had no license and wanted to veer all over the road and possibly kill some children, but unfortunately for him, he’s a white US citizen.”
When reached for comment regarding the shocking ticket amount, Hillary Clinton shook her head sadly, and said, “Even I think this is excessive. This is why it’s better to avoid traveling on the roads and just take your broom.”
Seamen Sans Semen
As part of a federal initiative known as “Destroy The US Navy,” the US Navy this week commissioned its first submarine designed to accommodate female sailors.
Christened the USS PMS, the vessel is expected to launch unprovoked attacks on allies for approximately one week out of every month, and to refer to other submarines as “skanky bitches” when they’re not in communication range.
The Navy has reportedly hired famous Disney crab Sebastian to recruit female sailors, with the crustacean appearing in a commercial and singing the lyrics: “Under the sea, butch broads are free! Lesbians link up, periods sync up—join the Navy!”
When reached for comment, Hillary Clinton became wistful, stating, “I wish I could have had a seafaring life, but alas, I have a medical condition which causes me to melt upon contact with water.”
Straight Outta ‘Lago
Notorious underworld figure Donaldius “Steak Man” Trump, leader of the infamous Deporters gang, narrowly avoided bullets from rival gang The Pedophiles this week.
Pedophiles enforcer Ryan “The Asset” Routh attempted to ambush the Steak Man as the latter was “gettin’ his golf on,” but the plan was thwarted when Donaldius’s lieutenants spotted Routh and opened fire.
When interviewed about the attempted hit, the Steak Man was unperturbed, stating, “Sheeit, this all part of the life, baby. I got districk turneys breavin’ down my neck, fine-ass bitches on my arm, and muthafukkas takin’ shots at me whenever I step out the door.”
High-ranking Pedophile Hillary “Grating Hag” Clinton was reportedly disgusted by Routh’s failure, stating, “What an amateur. If Bill and I were on the job, the Steak Man would have killed himself with six rounds through the back of the head a long time ago.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on Hillary Clinton’s empowering new book, Toxic Brew for the Soulless.
I gotta stop reading your stuff while drinking coffee. When I read "USS PMS," whoosh! I spewed another caffeine shower onto my keyboard. If my laptop turns into a Hezbollah walkie-talkie, I'm blaming youze guys!
The Navy has reportedly hired famous Disney crab Sebastian to recruit female sailors, with the crustacean appearing in a commercial and singing the lyrics: “Under the sea, butch broads are free! Lesbians link up, periods sync up—join the Navy!”
Amazingly funny stuff every time.