Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the woods!
A Midsummer Night’s Psychosis
A new trend among rich women is heading into the woods and having unrestrained tantrums under the guidance of a “spiritual fairy godmother.” These “rage rituals” are supposed to alleviate the tension that accompanies having the leisure-time and disposable income to pay thousands of dollars to spend a week terrorizing trees.
This news follows on the heels of women claiming the majority of the time that they would rather encounter a bear than a man in the forest. The preference turns out to be based on the fact that bears seldom turn out to be orderlies rounding up asylum escapees.
Upon inadvertently witnessing the “therapy sessions,” local squirrels said, “Bro, you guys got some serious fucking problems. Just tell me you don’t let these beasts vote.”
For Chairs About to Rock
A full 51 years after they began composing songs about contract killing, having sex, and of course, rocking, Aussie band AC/DC launched another tour this week. The only original member is the now incredibly ironically named Angus Young.
Some songs have been modified for the new era, but fans will still recognize them and rock along—albeit in chairs. Among the perennial hits are “Back Pain in Black,” “Angus’s Snoring Shook the Tour Bus All Night Long,” and “Scenic Coastal Route to Hell.”
In related news, the Rock and Roll Hall of fame is inducting Ozzy Osbourne and Cher into its list of faded luminaries in 2024. The fossilized musicians are slated to perform their biggest hits, respectively—“Forgetfulness Train” and “I Got Incontinence, Babe”
When asked about the aging rock and rollers, women in the woods said, “AARGGHHH! FUCK-SHIT-MOTHERFUCKER! URGHH! BLARGHH! DIE COCKSUCKER! [barking, spitting and smashing noises].”
You’re Not Fired, Just Raped
The Apprentice, a biopic which premiered at the Cannes Film Festival this week, depicts a young Donald Trump raping his first mail-order bride, Ivanna. The movie reportedly received an eight-minute standing ovation from assembled cat ladies and pedophiles.
Filmmakers are already hard at work on a sequel, Nightmare on Fifth Avenue, which depicts Trump’s time as a demon that murders immigrants by entering their dreams…and shitlibs already believe it actually happened.
Other planned movies are Woke Busters, in which Trump leads a gang of men who capture noble protesters with special lasers, and Planet of the Rapes, in which a liberal astronaut returns to Earth to discover everyone looks like Trump and pussy-grabbing has become the common male-to-female greeting.
When asked about the libelous new Trump movie, women in the woods said, “AARGGHHH! FUCK-SHIT-MOTHERFUCKER! URGHH! BLARGHH! DIE COCKSUCKER! [barking, spitting and smashing noises].”
Would You Like Death With That?
A San Antonio woman fired eight rounds into a McDonald’s drive-through window upon discovering that she hadn’t received the promised biscuit and hashbrowns with her breakfast value meal. Said the woman upon examining her food, “I didn’t come here just to get my arteries partially clogged! Take that, you pimply frauds!”
Rather than deny its time-honored popularity as a shooting gallery, McDonald’s is leaning into the phenomenon, featuring a new menu item, the Big Massacre (no relation), and replacing the iconic hamburglar with a new character, the hammurderer.
Ronald McDonald, meanwhile, will no longer be a clown, as marketing experts fear the characterization suggests a bias in favor of liberal Democrats.
When asked about the San Antonio shooting incident, women in the woods said, ”Makes sense. We are mystical creatures who need creative ways express our complex emotions.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on Joe Biden’s foray into music with his new single, “Gypsies, Tramps and, You Know, The Things.”
Sorry, we had the comments disabled. If you have something to say, fire away.
I feel like such an idiot. All this time I could have been making bank by allowing rich weird women into our forest to scream at the foliage. Of course, our forest has the kind of wildlife that bites, gores and kills you dead. No bears here. They will soon be screaming for someone with a gun to come rescue them.
If an entitled karen screams in a forest does anyone hear them?
Does anyone want to?
As for those rapey cinema moguls and celebrities at Cannes, they should have watched ‘Yellowbeard’ to get some better ideas on how to portray a character that loves to rape and pillage. Who better than a pirate to know how it’s really done?
Parody Pictures and New Snarky Cinema bring you Donald Trump as you’ve never seen him before. Cap’n Yellowhair, jaunty scourge of the seven seas taking on the Deep State British Admiralty and lovely women everywhere. Lifting previous lines such as: “Is it time fer the rapin’ to begin? How about now?” This movie is destined to be a classic.
An unfortunate missed opportunity for greatness and to hear Donald Trump speak in pirate patois. A girl can only dream …