Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the jive-branded clowntopia!
If You’re Coherent, You Ain’t Black!
The Biden clone appeared to have only a cognitive skeleton crew on duty this week as the ghostly being celebrated “Juneteenth”—the black holiday commemorating the end of slavery, whose name is a nonsensical mashing together of the words “June” and “nineteenth” because…blackness.
When asked about his strange behavior at the White House event, Biden admitted to being petrified, believing he had wandered into a Cornpop family reunion. “Shhh!” said the president. “That’s Cornpop in the dress. No! Don’t look! Mix in. Get your funk on like this. We’ll run for it when a fight breaks out.”
It was announced by the black people present that in honor of Juneteenth they had jazzed up numerous other common terms. The White House is now to be called the Whouse, and July fourth will now be Julourth. Vice President Kamarris applauded blacks’ linguistic jive magic, saying, “Just play along. Maybe we won’t get so many murdrobberies.”
Large Bilderberger With Fries, Please
The ancient death cult running the world had its annual convention last week, and reports of the proceedings are now surfacing. Klaus Schwab made a splash at the arrivals, wearing a daring flower-print child-sacrifice robe. Mr. Bigglesworth, meanwhile, caused murmurs of speculation by emerging from his limo and walking the red carpet without Dr. Evil.
The theme this year was “Awesome Armageddon” and Jeffrey Epstein, looking tanned and rested, was crowned king of the event, with Hillary Clinton serving as his queen, making a bold statement by unapologetically sporting her natural green scales and glowing red eyes.
The most popular feature was Bill Gates’ talk on removing wallpaper with a steam gun, in order to modernize outdated basement torture chambers.
Black people issued a statement to the ancient death cult, informing them that the Bilderberg meeting would now be called the “Bilgeeting.” Members of the death cult applauded the ingenious jive branding, and made plans to import 500 million more cannibals into Europe and North America.
John-John ALIVE!
Lumbering polititard John Fetterman reportedly rear-ended another vehicle on Interstate 70 in Maryland this week. The senator was killed in the accident, but all turned out well as he was reportedly strapped to a large slab during a lightning storm and revived.
At a press conference yesterday, Fetterman described the incident, saying, “John-John confused! Red lights! Much noises! Cars go bang! John-John ANGRY! John-John DESTROY!” At which point the crowd dispersed as the senator threw his podium and began chasing people and flipping cars over.
After being subdued with tranquilizer darts, the senator was able to speak more calmly. When asked about the White House Juneteenth celebration, the senator said, “Who the fuck says ‘Juneteenth’? What are we, four years old? Pronounce the date like you have an IQ over 50 and get on with life, assholes.”
In response to the criticism, black people said, “We ain’t like that Johnetterrman. He a dumberfucker.”
A Disturbance in the Farce
The new Disney+ Star Wars series, “Space Ghetto,” is off to a rocky start as its black Israelite star Amandla Stenberg had video reemerge of a 2018 Daily Show appearance in which she promoted making “white people cry.”
Executives fear that both of the white people who were going to watch the Star Wars spin-off will now boycott it, bringing viewership down to zero.
The series tells the story of George Floydwalker, a noble Jedi who is stricken down by Darth Fentanyl, then becomes a supremely powerful metaphysical force and posthumously loots and burns all the businesses in the galaxy.
When asked about mashing “June” and “nineteenth” into “Juneteenth,” Amandla Stenberg said, “That might be more retarded than randomly adding an ‘L’ to the name ‘Amanda,’ or removing the ‘I’ from the name ‘Steinberg.’”
And that concludes this week’s Newssacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on the new Star Wars spin-offs written by Joe Biden, “Return of the Fugsebberribbit” and “The Empire Ain’t Black!”
Y’all consistently make me laugh when I stop for a read
Hilarious mockery of all that booshit.