Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the Chinese potato balloons!
Clown World Vs. Clown World
On Monday the SCOTUS gave notice that while Trump was POTUS, whether eating lotus, drinking sodas, or banging the FLOTUS, his official actions came with built-in legal immunity.
AOC, for her part, isn’t having this, and has vowed to impeach the offending SCOTUS members, even if she has to take the case all the way to the Supreme Court.
Leftists, meanwhile, are calling on Biden to use the military to "take out" Trump since the law theoretically allows the president to do anything. In response, Biden said, “I think the weather in China likes potatoes for three dollars.”
When asked about Biden’s bizarre rambling, AOC said, “I don’t care if the president is inarticulate. You don’t have to be a good painter to be able to run the country.”
The Debate-ocaust
After Joe Biden’s “bad night” on the debate stage, Dems fear their fearless leader has fallen and can’t get up—for good. The greatest threat to “our democracy,” they now admit, is voters.
Commies at all levels are calling on Biden to step down but the president is defiant, telling his critics, “Everyone has a Salisbury steak if you don’t wear green to your hot-air balloon.”
Possible replacements for Biden are VP Camelhair Ass, California’s Grab-‘em-and-Noose-‘em, and Michigan’s Scratchin’ Witchwhore. All of these proposed candidates, however, lose when statisticians match them up against Dotard Blumpf.
When asked about the Biden crisis, AOC said, “This is so dumb, guys. The president doesn’t have to be fit for office. This is governmentating, not the Olympics.”
Jackbooted Frog Legs
France’s Marine La Pen, apparently named after a writing implement that works underwater, finds herself leading that nation’s most popular party. This is especially concerning because La Pen’s party is “far right”—which in modern parlance means “not a bunch of transsexual African bolsheviks”
In the wake of the recent electoral success of La Pen’s “National Rally” party, everyone acted out their roles. Anti-racist French broads showed their outrage by taking off their tops and doing performance art, French men then threw up easels and began painting the broads, and “French” Muslims then stormed in and raped everyone before pulling the cords on their vests and exploding.
When asked about the apparent reemergence of fascism in Europe, AOC showed concern, saying, “Oh my God! This is just like that one movie—not World War, but the sequel, World War 2—where the people who couldn’t focus on Schindler’s list were sent to those camps that forced them to concentrate.”
A Real Whore Show
Hailey Welch, the world-famous “Hawk Tuah” girl, came to prominence a couple of weeks ago for her unusual trait of being a dick-sucking whore. Because it’s the current year, she is now seeking to parlay her 15 whores of whore into untold whoards of whorebucks.
She has hired publicity and merchandise people, and she appeared on a podcast this week in which male celebrities were named, and the new “conservative icon” explained how enthusiastically she would orally service them. In response, Ms. Welch’s father said, “Just fucking awesome,” then stepped off the chair and allowed himself to strangle to death.
Simpsons fans, meanwhile, have turned up a clip from 1992 which appears to show “predictive programming” of this situation—what looks like a cartoon representation of Ms. Welch, spitting on Bart Simpson. When reached for comment, Ms. Welch said, “Mmmph, ulp, mmmph…I’ll call you back later, I’m working…”
When asked about the situation, AOC was decidedly neutral, saying, “We don’t have the right to judge Hawk Tuah. Native Americans were here long before we were.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on Joe Biden’s new mail-order debate course, “Thumbtack Your Lemonade into the Fire Alarm.”
"...because La Pen’s party is “far right”—which in modern parlance means “not a bunch of transsexual African bolsheviks”
You guys, keep this up and you're gonna lose all those blue-haired, handicap, tatted-up, avocado toast eating Brandon supporters!
It's great to see Smooth Joe has the gift of the gab back. Never sounded better.