Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the world!
Decomposing Celebs & Cinematic Civil Wars
Hollywood stars such as Jessica Simpson, and whoever the dude is on the right, are popping up with faces of meth. The culprit is the weight-loss drug Ozempic, which evidently promotes svelte physiques by creating its own little zombie apocalypses right inside users’ cells.
Insert the Nelson Muntz “Ha-Ha!” meme here. These idiots have one job—to look good—and they have to cheat at that. Now all our A-listers look like they’re ready to go strip copper wire out of condemned houses.
On the bright side, when The Addams Family is inevitably re-rebooted, film producers won’t have to pay any makeup artists.
On the predictive programming front, the new movie version of the second US Civil War is currently wowing audiences. It tells the story of a couple of ballsy chick reporters—of course—embedded among military forces battling an insurrection almost as scary as January 6.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems funny that people are willing to pay 20 bucks to watch hysterical females on diet pills document the collapse of the US. CNN is free.
The Kennedys Assassinate RFK Jr.
All the members of the Kennedy family who have not yet been shot in the head, and are hoping to avoid any such mishaps, endorsed Sleepy Joe and Kamala Kneepads over Uncle Bobby’s croaking baby boy.
At the press conference, family spokesperson Kerry Kennedy said, “Ask not what your failed clown government can do for you, ask what you can do for your failed clown government.”
In response to the snubbing, RFK Jr. said, “I may not have the support of my own family, but come November I will win the votes of at least seventeen regular Americans.”
On Second Thought, I’ll Have the Soylent Green
Old news but newly relevant. Since cows represent such complicated technology, renowned Japanese scientist Mitsubishi Toyota has actually extracted the supposedly edible material from human waste, stirred in a little red food coloring, and called it meat.
In a related story, the prices of already-fake fast-food meals are skyrocketing in California, due to that state’s $20 minimum wage, and if shitlibs get their way, that’ll be the norm nationwide.
The writing is on the wall, folks. Come 2030, stop in at your local Mickey D’s for your dirt-cheap Filet O’ Feces and an XL Coca-Colon, and get the kids a couple of literal Crappy Meals, all served up by the Shaniqua-3000 serverbot, whose wage is $5 worth of electricity every month.
That is, assuming your social credit score permits the purchase.
And if you find your new diet is turning you to flab, pop a few Ozempics. You’ll be looking like you died a few years ago in no time.
Can’t wait for that Civil War flick to become reality.
We’re All Bosie Finnegan Now
At a speech in Pittsburgh this week, Joe Biden mumbled that his uncle, Ambrose J. “Bosie” Finnegan, Jr., was eaten by cannibals in the second World War.
Many are doubting the claim, but it’s just as plausible as the reasons given for the Biden admin doing nothing to prevent actual cannibals from casually crossing our southern border.
Pretty soon we’ll all have stories like Joe’s. Except for the Kennedys. They live in gated communities and have run the threat-odds. Stray CIA bullets > flesh-hungry natives.
It might be time for us all to get on double-doses of Ozempic. When a couple dozen Haitians, accustomed to subsisting on dirt cookies, move into the flat next door, the last thing you want is to look too appetizing.
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Remember, anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Stay tuned for our upcoming, in-depth report on Bill Clinton’s commitment to a life of celibacy after he accidentally raped Whoopie Goldberg.
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Illegal cannibals sneaking over the southern border will not find America their land of cuisine opportunity. The taste of shitlib is so gross they'll spit out the first mouthful and change their diet to bugs.
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