Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the small Haitian colony of Springfield!
Hungry Hungry Haitians
Ohio is in the news this week as local pets, wildlife, and humans are under threat from an invasive foreign species known as Haitians.
Humanoid in appearance, but unable to grow food or maintain even a rudimentary economy, in their natural environment, Haitians live off irony-free mud pies, and, when they really feel like tuckin’ in, one another.
When a video went viral of a female specimen of Homo Haitius being caught dining on a local cat, a national debate began raging about whether this particular group of hunter-gatherers is a perfect fit for a country with things like electricity and indoor dining.
On the bright side, Ohio Animal Control reports that pet adoptions are up an impressive 5000 percent. Said a representative, “Haitians are absolute animal lovers. Sometimes the same Haitian will adopt five or six cats a day.’”
Girlboss Vs. Hitler
The big news this week is of course the Clown World clash between the much-humped Kamal and the fearless fascist felon.
Trump wound up debating ABC’s talking mannequins as much as he did the champion of voteless democracy, but the tangerine terror managed to turn in a decent performance. The Kamal’s greatest strengths were her Jedi-level resting bitch face, and her ability to repeat answers radio’d in on her stylish pearl earrings.
Post-debate polls have the Democrats’ primary demographics of scum, faggots and morons stating that the Kamal successfully passed through the eye of the needle, with most sane and productive people siding with Trump, and the rest of us just waiting for the civil war to kick off.
When asked which candidate they support, Haitians voted hands down for the Donald, stating, “Just look at him! A nice juicy Trump steak would hit the spot after we finish our catpetizers.”
Shitlib Father of the Year
Back in Ohio, the father of a Springfield boy killed by a free range Haitian shocked attendees at a city commission meeting this week when he said he wished his son had been killed by a 60-year-old white man.”
The father—whose 11-year-old son died when a wacky cannibal careened into a school bus after figuring out that the big metal boxes move when the floor button is pushed—said, “Why can’t more white people drive into school buses? This is just another area where we’re being outperformed by these plucky immigrants.”
The father is reportedly already replacing his son with an adopted Haitian, stating, “I think little Mogubu will enjoy Johnny’s old clothes and toys, and I just know this bright young lad is going to love our cat.”
When asked if they regret their compatriot driving into a school bus, Haitians said, “We blame you Americans. You can’t get angry when we attempt to access this ‘meals on wheels’ resource you’re always bragging about.”
Swalwell Erupts on the House Floor
As the Haitian aberration alarms the nation, Eric Swalwell, human gas station and fan of Chinese copulation, expressed frustration about the penetration into the national conversation of un-PC memetic creations.
The memes in question feature AI images of Donald Trump protecting ducks and cats, the purported dietary preference of the happy-go-lucky Haitians. Swalwell was beside himself because, you will never believe this, the memes are “racist.”
Said Swalwell, “Whoops, excuse me, I had a big lunch. Ope, there it goes again. Geez, I hope I have extra underwear in my briefcase. Oh, heavens, that one actually hurt. I yield the rest of my time.”
When asked if they appreciate the famous politician going to bat for them, Haitian’s said, “Bat? Where? It’s not cat, but it’s not dirt. Sign us up.”
And that concludes this week’s literal Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on the new Haitian fast food chain, Kentucky Fried Kitten, featuring a secret blend of 11 dirts and lices.
As always, there are jewels where I least expect them. Washington HIV could stand for House of International Villainy, Hustling, Indoctrination & Violence, or House of Indiscriminate Vaccines. When juxtaposed with the loser Smallwell (even his last name casts aspersions on his manliness), it was a perfect match.
Kentucky Fried Kitten killed me.
Of course Swallwell is all in, he dates dog eaters!