We CAN Stay Regular Under Donald Trump!

And I have the perfect plan.

You guys, this is super serious. My sources on Instagram tell me Donald Trump is clearing out all the Mexicans from the US—just like Hitler did! Republicans are now claiming that just to live here you have to be this thing called a “US citizen.” And get this: they’re trying to tell us this doesn’t apply to people in other countries!

I’m not saying to just let anyone in. I can see why conservatives are mad about all these H-1B immigrants. We don’t want people whose condition could become full-blown AIDS. But only Joseph Gumballs would claim someone is not a “real American” just because they don’t speak English, and are in Guadalajara, and have never been here.

Let’s be honest: this is war. And we can’t afford to be polite to our enemies like they were in that “civil” war. That’s how you find yourself rounded up and taken to a constipation camp. I can’t even imagine losing my right to be regular, but that’s what Republicans will do to us! Did you know that abdominal pain caused people to holler so much in World War Two that they called it the “holler cause”?

Anyone with half a brain—and I definitely have that, no matter what they say about me online—can see what Republicans want to do to us. If all the Mexican restaurants close down, everyone will be going to the bathroom a LOT less.

Mexicans have to show they are just as American as anyone else. And I have a plan for them. Americans love their country and display its flag all the time and yell about how great it is. Mexicans must show how similar they are by having huge demonstrations and displaying the flag of their country and yelling about how great it is.

But wait. OMG you guys. My woman’s college tuition just kicked in. Maybe Republicans want people in America to act like Americans! You can totally fool them by following these “law” things. Like, instead of sneaking in and making up socialist security numbers, you can APPLY to become “US citizens,” and the government will actually GIVE you papers that make it so they can’t teleport you back to Mexico!

OMG, this is such a good idea. And after you’re a “citizen” you can even follow their other “laws.” Like, don’t even rape anyone or join gangs or drive your cars into people. You will be totally undercover!

And—hold on, this is so good—what if you even learned their language? And then you could even display AMERICAN flags and act like you’re grateful to be here! If you do all these things, they even let you VOTE, and then you can really trick them by supporting “laws” that don’t let people who didn’t get their “US citizen” papers be here! What will Republicans complain about then? There will be way less of you, and you will be so much less annoying!

I feel so much better now! Our enemies won’t know what to do when the people on our side just follow these simple steps. Don’t feel bad that I thought of this and you didn’t. I study histrionics and civics. I’ve actually owned two of those. That’s why I’m in the senate or the city council or whatever.

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