Weekly News Massacre!

The only weekly news roundup that is sometimes monthly!

Snow What?

Because Disney no longer has anything to do with Walt, Snow no longer has anything to do with White—or very little, anyway. Maybe 50 percent.

Controversy is currently swirling around the installation of one Rachel Zegler—an apparent refugee from the pickup window at your local taco truck—in the role of that famous, ahem, German fairy tale princess said to have, ahem, “skin as white as snow.”

But hey, they cast a Jewish broad as the wicked queen, so someone at Disney is trying to get it right. No! We’re kidding!

When asked about the casting decisions, Disney CEO Bob Iger was defensive, saying, “Oh sure, a brown girl can’t play Snow White! Next you’re going to tell me I shouldn’t have cast those WWE guys to play the seven dwarfs!”

The Hunter Games

Joe Biden officially pardoned everyone’s favorite crack baby this week after previously swearing he would never do such a thing. He defended the decision by stating, “Not only do I not recall saying I wouldn’t help Hunter, I don’t recall my entire term as president.”

Given a second lease on life, Hunter seems to be mending his ways, stating, “These days I’m always laser focused—always wide awake and grinding away at the crack of dawn.” He then introduced his new girlfriend, a Chinese prostitute named Dawn.

Joe, for his part, disapproves of Dawn but was unable to give details, just saying, “She doesn’t pass the sniff test.”

When asked about his future, Hunter said, “I want to star in a Disney remake that combines Frozen with Sleeping Beauty. The plot is, I show up at a Motel 6 with a couple of blondes and a few pounds of ice, and when I’m found several days later, I’m not quite dead but nobody can wake me up.”

Kash and Curry

Trump’s proposed new FBI director, one Kashyap “Kash” Patel, has many on the left nervous due to his brash style and proven efficiency in hotel management, but he is also quite the entrepreneur.

Over the past four years the Kash-man has sold such things as a Kash-themed Punisher Scarf (LOL), pills for reversing the effects of the (Trump-approved but let’s not get bogged down in details) vax, and a children’s book in which “Kash the wizard” saves “King Donald” from “Hillary Queenston” (impressive subtlety).

It remains to be seen whether the wild Indian will be confirmed by the senate, or whether it turns out they don’t accept kash—but one thing is for sure, whatever the future holds for Kash, Kash will find a way to kash in.

When asked what he thinks of Mr. Patel, Disney CEO Bob Iger said, “Wow! If we ever do a live-action version of Casper the Friendly Ghost, we have our man.”

One Mona Lisa, Please; Hold the Paint

A week after a duct-taped banana sold for $6 million at auction a blank white canvas is expected to bring $1.5 million. If either of the art connoisseurs who purchased these items happens to be reading this, please be advised: we are offering this thought [thinking a thought] for only $5,000—a relative steal!

Philistines will scoff, but they are really mocking their own tepid intellects. Sophisticates will appreciate the excruciating irony only attainable in art that doesn’t exist. And such appreciation is nothing compared to actually owning this profound and daring cultural achievement.

At no extra charge, we will store this masterpiece for you in a climate-controlled bio-chamber, next to warm memories of reading Kash Patel’s magnum opus to our children.

But, regarding the blank white canvas, the top bidder is in fact Disney’s Bob Iger, and yes, he plans to destroy it and hang up a canvas painted an indifferent brown. Nobody will care to look at this new art, but Bob has his reasons.

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And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on Kash Patel’s family reunion, which will be attended by his brother Kredit Kard, his nephew Bitkoin, and his international banker uncle, Kompound Interest.