Weekly News Massacre!
Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the kosher barrio!
¡Oy, caramba!
Mexico is about to enjoy its first woke female president. Just your average tortilla-rolling mamasita from the land of lucha libre and tequila, with the classic south-of-the-border name of…Sheinbaum.
I’m not an Elders of Zion guy, but something about this is a little suspicious. The Mexican-Jewish fusion seems about as natural as Pancho Villa kvetching to the other banditos about his social anxieties and chronic gassiness.
I mean, what are the chances of a 99% Catholic country, known for its macho culture and gigantic hats, opting to be led by a decidedly non-Catholic woman from a culture known for its “open mindedness” and minuscule hats.
When asked about the development, average Mexican-citizen Woody Alejandro voiced concerns, saying, “Oh Jeez, this ain’t good. I’m gettin’ shpilkes in my genechtagazoink. If I could just find my inhaler I’d feel better.”
Like Crack Through the Hourglass…
The latest episode in the daytime drama of national politics sees the wayward son of our favorite dynastic family in hot water again. Will Hunter be sent to prison? Will his affair with the cute blonde judge be exposed? Will this tortured lad ever fulfill his dream of being the next Vincent Van Blow?
The latest charge has to do with Sleepy Joe’s baby boy illegally obtaining firearms. The crackhead’s crack defense team is reportedly arguing that he can’t be guilty, because time-stamped laptop video proves he was busy sodomizing a strung-out circus monkey at the time of the incident.
The Mexican ambassador, in characteristic Mexican fashion, responded to the situation by holding up his hands, raising his eyebrows, and saying, “What are you gonna do? We’re all a little meshuga. This poor shlemiel is schlepping through life the best he can.”
Okay, Maybe We’re Systematically Killing You Off Just a Bit
The UK’s Telegraph published an article this week stating that Covid vaccines may have contributed to excess deaths. Keep your eye on this cutting-edge publication. Rumor has it that next they’re going to break the news that Hunter may not be a model citizen. Then they’re going to bravely announce that men may not be able to morph into women at will.
When asked about the Covid revelation, Dr. Fauci said, “Exactly! If you’re dead from turbo cancer or massive blood-clots can you have Covid? No. So think of all the people we’ve cured.”
President Sheinbaum of Mexico couldn’t be reached for comment, as she was tending the family’s donkeys and her five-foot-three husband Pedro had had too many cervesas and blackened her eyes again.
Felonious Trump
As we all know, Trump was convicted this week on 34,000 counts of violating legal fine-print that nobody gives a shit about. Libs are ecstatic, but they’re beginning to realize their miscalculation, as the presidential felon now enjoys 100% support from African-Americans.
In preparation for his stint in the big house, the Donald has reportedly been getting swole in the Mar-a-Lago gym, and has gotten a certain World War II era symbol tattooed on his left pectoral. Sources say he’s already learned to fashion a shank from a toothbrush, a No. 2 pencil, and a spork.
However, leaders of the infamous Mexican Mafia prison gang issued a dire warning to the billionaire, stating, “That schmaltzy shmendrik better watch his tuchus around here, homes, or he’s gonna see what real chutzpah is.”
And that concludes this week’s Massacre. Anything not covered here is totally irrelevant and should be ignored. Tune in next week for our in-depth report on the new leader of Israel and the fulfillment of divine Jewish prophesy…the dog whisperer himself, Cesar Millan.
Felonious Trump, how could I have missed that opportunity?!?! You sir are the most trusted name in news. Oh and btw I totally believe that Miz Shinebomb coming to power in Mexico was the result of her running a strong grassroots campaign and connecting with the average Mexican citizen. Matzo-Libre!!!
You can’t make this shit up and I don’t believe in coincidence