Weekly News Massacre!

Streamlined for your convenience, here are the top stories from the USA and around the small Haitian colony of Springfield!

Hungry Hungry Haitians

Ohio is in the news this week as local pets, wildlife, and humans are under threat from an invasive foreign species known as Haitians.

Humanoid in appearance, but unable to grow food or maintain even a rudimentary economy, in their natural environment, Haitians live off irony-free mud pies, and, when they really feel like tuckin’ i…