Woman Arrested For Texting Man 159,000 Times After Single Date
White-hot takes on current events from regular people like you!
“This is the problem with modern technology. Nobody takes the trouble to actually go out and boil rabbits anymore.”
– Tiphany Ming, Inventor of the Gorilla Glue Inhaler
“I’ve dealt numerous times with this unfortunate psychosis afflicting modern women. Except the women I know don’t contact me with phones, they use ‘police.’ And they don’t send texts, they send ‘restraining orders.’”
– Colin Moriarty, 114,003rd Place Mr. Universe Runner-Up
“Oh my gosh, I had the same exact problem. It was at least that many text messages, and they got crazier and crazier, and no matter what he—I mean SHE—wouldn’t answer—I mean STOP—SHE wouldn’t STOP texting me! Never mind, I forgot what the question was. Please don’t print this.”
– Francis Cone, Body Cavity Search Connoisseur
“Don’t get gun-shy, men, there are still magical women you can date. For example, I know many women who defy Newtonian physics. The heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up. And if you date leftist women, you may enjoy all the texts you receive. At least if you’re into dick pics. Anyway, I can’t keep chatting, I have to go check my phone. It’s been almost four minutes and the nice man who took me out to coffee last month is probably waiting for an update on our suicide pact.”
– Joan Cartwright, Author of The Best In Show Cookbook
My love for Joan is never ending. And she actually does know about those lard ass heavies that are easy pickups. She introduced me to two of them, sisters, named Teancy and Weancy. When my fat jokes didn’t work on them, they asked me, can’t you say something nice about us? I said, sure, for fat girls you don’t sweat much.
What diabolical genius thinks up all the job titles. I am jealous AF of this scallywag skillset.